


Nigel is Love, Nigel is Life

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, Gamzee's dad is called Babara for shits and giggles, Humanstuck, It can't really be classed as sex though, M/M, Minor mature themes, My version of HonkingHonkFriend's work, Nigel is a cannibal, This is all kinds of disturbing, incase that triggers anyone, what am I writing, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 00:17:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4079356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'll regret uploading this. It's a terrible joke, dedicated to the bae. I created Nigel as a one-sentence-use character, he plays nearly no part...Then my magical little Aussie became obsessed with him.<br/>So I wrote this for them. </p>
<p>I hope you motherfuckin' like it.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Nigel is Love, Nigel is Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HonkingHonkFriend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HonkingHonkFriend/gifts).
  * A translation of [Nigel The Suspiciously Friendly Neighbour.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3942442) by [ArchSirius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchSirius/pseuds/ArchSirius), [HonkingHonkFriend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HonkingHonkFriend/pseuds/HonkingHonkFriend). 



> I'll regret uploading this. It's a terrible joke, dedicated to the bae. I created Nigel as a one-sentence-use character, he plays nearly no part...Then my magical little Aussie became obsessed with him.  
> So I wrote this for them. 
> 
> I hope you motherfuckin' like it.

"I can't take this anymore"  
"Kurloz, grow up. They're obviously in a very intimate stage of their relationship"  
"I don't care"  
"You'd care if THEY were the ones loudly grumbling and WE were the ones in their purrsition...No pun intended, I purromise"   
"That sentence was the most contradictory, paradoxal thing I have ever heard"  
"I know, right? Anyway, just go to sleep and let them get on with it; they can't exactly go on all night, anyway"  
"Meulin, this is GAMZEE we're talking about..."  
"And? Your dad isn't exactly-"  
"Two words: our mum. Chew on that, kitten"  
"Oh...You've got a point, I guess..."  
"Exactly-"

Kurloz stood up, throwing the duvet off his body and attracting a groan from Meulin, who rolled over on the mattress and sat up with her legs crossed. 

"-Even more of a reason to go down there and SHUT THE BASTARDS UP!!"  
"You're just jealous because Gamzee's so much more well-hung than you are"  
"EXCUSE ME?!"  
"I said, indirectly, of claw-ourse, your baby brother has a bigger dick than you"  
"He does NOT. How the hell would YOU know?"  
"I've seen you both naked. In the same DAY"  
"When the hell-"  
"Two words: Funnel web"

Meenah screamed from her bedroom,   
"DID SOMEBODY SAY FUNNEL WE-"  
"FALSE ALARM, MEENAH"  
"Oh...Hehe..."  
Meenah promptly left the conversation.

"Your brother ran out of the shower completely bollock naked, and you expect me not to take note of the fur-act that he is, in fur-act, packing a better purr-ackage than his 21-year-old brother, who may I remind you, is my boyfriend? Who may I also remind you, strips down in furont of me every damn day, as though to remind me that we are still, in fur-act, together"  
"Alright, alright, I accept your proposition"  
"Thank-you"  
"I'm still going to shut them the hell up-"  
"No, you're not. My ship is sailing, Kurloz, OTP in the other room right here"

 

Speaking of the other room, that was where the victims of Kurloz's verbal abuse were residing, and you can probably guess what they were doing, and if you can't, stop reading this fic right damn here because this is nOT PG 13 BELIEVE ME IT IS FAR FROM IT. NOT DUE TO SEX, DUE TO...SOMETHING ELSE. SOMETHING MUCH, MUCH WORSE...

The events leading up to this went something like this:

"Hey, Kar? You awake, my angel?"  
"No. I am not awake. I am having the most glorious rest I've ever had. Goodbye"  
"Heh, you're funny, baby"  
"Fuck off Gamzee, with the shit I've dealt with today, I'm so tired I don't even know how to begin describing it"

-At this point, Gamzee had looked at Karkat with huge hazel eyes and his bottom lip stuck out, pouting.

"Don't fucking look at me like that, you dick-sucker"  
"That's my speciality~"  
"You're fucking disgusting"  
"C'mon, please, mačkica?"  
"Calling me your stupid nicknames makes no difference"  
"..."  
"UGH, FINE"

Which had lead to Karkat straddling Gamzee's waist, stripped of his clothes and the Australian's lips nipping down his neck, which had quickly escalated to man-sex which had caused the conversation to look something like this:

"Jesus, Gamzee-"  
"Hehe~"  
"Stop giggling you fucki- ah fuck~"  
"See? Just get your relax on"  
"Someone'll hear us, you pezzo di merda" Karkat cursed,

At this point, Meulin helpfully translated from Kurloz's room, which was conveniently placed next to Gamzee's,  
"He called him a piece of shit..."  
"Talk about turn-off" Kurloz replied, arms bound to the headboard with a long link of chain, Meulin holding one end so that he couldn't go and sabotage her OTP.  
At first, the Makara had grinned when Meulin rummaged around and found some rope, to which Kurloz waggled his eyebrows and commented,   
"Ooh, kinky~"  
"Fuck off, this is for when I go rock climbing on the beach"  
"It has various uses- oh god"  
"THIS is what I was looking for"  
"You ain' seriously gonna..."  
"Get your arms above your head and shut your mouth or I'll gag you with your own father's underwear"

Kurloz shut his mouth and raised his arms.

"Ah, Gamzee- fuck, there-"  
"You look pretty damn good riding me, angel-"  
"S-shut the fuck up, you-oh, fuck, I don't fucking knowww"  
"Damn..."

A quiet noise came from something other than Karkat, and Kurloz's eyes shot open in synchronisation to his eldest sister's,   
"Quick, untie-ugh, unchain me!"  
"Why should I?"  
"Didn't you hear the fucking DOOR?! It's HERE!"

Meenah came running down the hallway, bursting into the room,   
"Kurloz!! Hurry! We have to protect Gamzee and Feferi and Kitkat!"  
"Kitkat?"  
"Yeah, that's his nickname"  
"Let him die"  
"Vi jebeni ismijavati! I like him!"  
"I sure as hell don't"  
Meulin pitched in,   
"That's my brother-in-law, cazzone!

Steps were heard...

"DEAR GOD, HURRY!!!"  
Kurloz's brotherly instincts kicked in, and he ripped his arms from the chains, throwing himself to his feet and reaching under his bed, grabbing hold of a huge iron case and pulling out the MP5K from earlier, handing it to Meenah and grabbing an M1919 Browning for himself, searching around a little and letting out a small noise of victory as he yanked out Meulin's STG-44, and the Italian girl squeaked happily as he thrusted it into her arms, leaping to her feet and following the siblings out of the room...

"Shit! We're too late!" Meenah sobbed, and Kurloz slapped her across the face,   
"NO! DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT! I WILL NOT LOSE TO THIS STUPID MOTHERFUCKER, NOT AGAIN! NOT AFTER MY BABY...I SHALL AVENGE BEEF!"  
"We can get you another Rottweiler, Karkat and Gamzee are gone!"  
"My gay babies are DEAD?"  
"YES!"  
"NO!"

Kurloz charged into Gamzee's room, kicking open the door,   
"Wait...Meenah, you're wearing a nightdress, I'm wearing pyjamas, and Kurloz is in his underwear...We'll get cut to pieces!"  
"AND EATEN!! HOLY SHIT SHE'S RIGHT!!!!"  
They all froze.

Just then, Babara came charging out of the master bedroom, dual railguns on his arms and HALO armour covering his whole body, long hair tied into a topknot bun and two stripes of paint on each cheek, which was obviously his war paint.   
"FALL IN!!" The man wailed, and his children lined up,   
"AT READY"  
They all stomped their left feet in perfect synchro, and Babara saluted, and so did his small army.  
"I swear, if any of you yell, "FOR DAD'S ARMY" when we attack, I will kill you all"  
"Dad's army" a child whispered.  
"WHO SAID THAT?! WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN?!"  
"No, father"  
"My son, it better have not been you"  
"As I just said, twas not me, father"

"Dad's army..." whispered the voice,  
"NOW YOU FUCKED UP!!!!"

From inside the room, a noise was made, 

"Gamzee, ahh-AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"What the FUCK is he DOING to him?"  
"Twas not Gamzee..; Twas he..."  
"We're too late"  
"No..."

Babara yelled as loud as he could,   
"ATTACK!!!"  
"DAD'S ARMY!!!" screamed Feferi, running out of her room with a mace, chasing after the four other members of her family.

In the middle of the room was a shadowy shape, resembling a short, wide rectangle and a large, sideways triangle.  
"Nigel..."

The creature replied in a nasal, British voice,  
"I must say, this body is absolutlely SMASHING!!"  
"HE GOT KARKAT!!!!!!"  
"I'M HERE, ASSWHIFF!"  
"HE GOT GAMZEE!!!!"  
"I'M ALL UP AND BREATHING, KURLOZ!!"  
Said male flicked on the light, and there it was, in its sandy-yellow coloured safari outfit, a circular hat, and his huge red moustache.

Babara darkly whispered,   
"We meet again, Thornberry..."  
"Makara..."  
"KILL HIM!!"

Nigel dropped the arm, and with an almighty "HONK!!!" Babara snatched the mace from Feferi and leaped at the cannibal, swinging the mace, Feferi singing a parody of the Minecraft song,   
"I can swing my mace, mace, mace, my...Obsidian mace, mace, you cannot afford-ford-ford, my obsidion mace, mace-"

"HOOONNNKKK!!!!!"  
"BLAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" 

Babara was fast, but Nigel was faster, grabbing his body and leaping out of the window,   
"SMASHING!!!"  
The man sausage rolled down the street,  
"WE SHALL MEET AGAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN!!!!!!"

...

 

The family stood still, Karkat still sat in Gamzee's lap, tears running down his face as he clung to his boyfriend desperately. They all went quiet after Babara's panting ceased, and Karkat spoke, 

"We are NEVER having sex EVER AGAIN"

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy your nightmares


End file.
